: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
