Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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