At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
