Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
