I cannot find my penis.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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