I wish I only lived at night.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
