I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Green mimosas i think yes
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
