What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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