TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think my moral compass just broke
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize