I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
