she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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