Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
