Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
