The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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