I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
