Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
