YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
