OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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