5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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