When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
