Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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