I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
