I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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