Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
