he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Found your dick twin last night
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Randomize
