you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
