omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
