i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
