hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
