You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
