I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
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we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
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Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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