Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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