he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
