I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
