He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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