we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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