We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
