dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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