They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
