Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
