hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
