Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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