hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
