Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
