Don't make out with my wife yet
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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