I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
