I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
