i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just blew my weed a kiss
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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