how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
