My underwear smells like fireworks.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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