I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
false alarm, still single
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