CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
