So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
