I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
