I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
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I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
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Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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