My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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