i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
