i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
