Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
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We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
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She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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