WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
